Leave
It To Da Beaver 2000
The
Cleavers still live in the same home, though the
neighborhood has changed around it. Next door
is a crack house, with broken windows and graffiti.
Two Meth labs were found just down the street.
The Cleavers can't afford to move out, though,
because Ward lost his job during recent corporate
down-sizing. He's currently a plaintiff in a civil
suit claiming age discrimination. He's counting
on a quick settlement in order to pay off a lawsuit
he just lost to his son, the Beaver.
The Beaver filed his civil claim against his parents,
claiming cruelty in being named after a wood-gnawing
animal. He also filed for independence from his
family, following in his older brother's footsteps.
Wally filed to be legally independent when June
refused to buy him a new letterman's jacket in
time for the big game. The legal move was the
suggestion of Lumpy Rutherford's probation officer.
From June's point of view, she had no alternative
but to refuse the purchase. She's been short of
cash ever since the new Indian casino opened just
outside of town.
June got a little carried away with the slot machines,
trying to make up for Ward's shortfall. She considered
joining Gamblers Anonymous, until she learned
the local chapter was being run by Eddie Haskel.
If Ward found out she was seeing Eddie again,
even under such innocent circumstances, she knew
there would be problems.
Mayberry
2000
Following
the economic pattern of other communities, Mayberry
is now a growing metropolis of approaching a two
million population. Howard's accounting offices
are gone. In their place are giant superstores,
Home Depot and Costco, which have driven the quaint
local shops out of business. Floyd's Barber shop
has been replaced by SuperCuts. The local cafe
is now a McDonalds franchise.
Andy's courthouse is not quite as you remember
it. Otis, the town drunk, doesn't just visit there
anymore to sleep off a bender. He's a full-time
resident. His third felony DUI under the Three
Strikes law has earned Otis a life sentence.
Deputy Barney Fife is there too, but he no longer
fumbles around, insecure and anxious. Barney has
found Prozac, and pursues his paperwork in calm,
quiet confidence.
Aunt Bea isn't around anymore, though. She was
cited for numerous health code violations and
for selling her cakes and pies without proper
licensing at the Women's Auxiliary Bake Sale.
She's doing time at a half-way house in Mount
Pilot.
With Aunt Bea gone, Andy is busier than ever,
handling the responsibilities of a single parent
and a full-time career. He doesn't have much time
for fishing with little Opie, anymore. Though
even if he had time, the fishing hole is tainted
now anyway, ever since that meltdown incident
at the Mayberry nuclear plant.
Ever since Goober took over the facility, there
have been problems. But he couldn't very well
stay in business at the gas station, what with
all the MTBE leakage.
Still
to come:
The
Beverly Hillbillies
(Day-trading takes its toll on Jed's portfolio.)
Father Knows Best
(Then why did the divorce proceeding go
against him?)
My Three Sons
(Or so he thought, until the DNA tests came back.)
