California
To Be
One
Big Freeway
With
traffic jamming most of the state's metropolitan
areas, plans have just been approved to solve
all of California's congestion problems at once.
The
entire state, which is rather tall and narrow,
will be paved over and turned into our nation's
largest thoroughfare.
"It'll
be great!" says one official in the state's
transportation offices.
According
to a preliminary report, there will be 5,000
northbound lanes, 5,000 southbound lanes, 300
diamond lanes for car-pooling, and on-ramps
and off-ramps with 40 or 50 lanes.
"We have one overpass the size of Rhode Island,"
commented the enthusiastic official. "You'll
be able to travel from Mexico to Oregon without
ever hitting traffic snags in San Diego, L.A.
or the Bay Area."
Using
the well-established precedent of imminent domain,
state officials will pave over state parks and
nature reserves. "Those old redwoods are going
to be nasty to remove, too. And some of those
peaks in the Sierras are gonna be tough to smooth
out. Believe me, we've got our work cut out
for us."
Plans
are to leave certain business landmarks, which
have agreed to pay a hefty fee to remain untouched.
"Don't worry. There'll still be a Starbucks
and a McDonald's at every off-ramp," said the
official. "Oh, and plenty of gas stations."
"We're
even going to keep San Francisco's Golden Gate
Bridge. It'll be lane 45 of a northwest on-ramp
over the bay."
"Finally," says the transportation spokesman,
"our state's traffic enormous traffic problems
will be behind us. Jay Leno will have to find
some other place to joke about, because our
traffic will be the smoothest in the nation."
We
inquired of the official about the wisdom of
such a radical transportation for the state.
Had
they, for instance, considered the fact that
if the state is entirely paved over, there will
be no residents or tourists in need of the highways?
"Uh, well, we've got all kinds of studies. I'm
not sure if that's one of them or not."
