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Animal
advocacy groups hailed a new suit filed this week
against automaker Chrysler, claiming $3.9 billion
in compensation for years of unpaid royalties for
the use of the names Dodge Ram,
Jeep Eagle and Plymouth
Roadrunner.
"We
just want these animals to get what's coming to
them," says Mitchell Shystlicker, the attorney who
originated the legal action on behalf of the mammal
and two birds. "By filing this claim, we're saying
that the animal kingdom has simply had enough. They've
been exploited for their pelts, their meat, and
now their names. You go out and market a pick-up
truck called the Schwarzenegger and you see if Arnold's
lawyer doesn't come after you. We just want the
same thing they'd do for him."
Mr.
Shystlicker explained that his clients' names represent
an image of majesty and strength that is being risked
by the automobile manufacturer. "The Ram is a noble
animal, a beautiful example of strength and agility.
What would happen if Chrysler came out with a truck
named after it that didn't handle turns well? It
would severely damage the image of my client."
Skeptics
of the action wonder where the money would go if
the case was successful. "What are some stupid birds
and overgrown goats going to do with four billion
dollars? Buy more feed?"
We
referred the question to Mr. Shystlicker. "You see,
by calling the noble Ram an overgrown goat it only
proves their identity has already been diminished.
This suit is long overdue."
While this answer didn't
satisfy the opponents, we were able to learn from
legal briefs submitted to the courts that any money
from the suits would be divided as follows: 40%
to attorneys' fees, and the balance would go to
a newly formed organization called the "Friends
for a Better Horned and Winged Life Foundation."
Their goal is to fund the proper caretaking of all
of earth's animals in their natural habitats.
When
asked what is entailed in the proper care of wildlife
forms, the foundation responded: "To leave them
the heck alone, that's what."
We wondered how money
earmarked for "leaving animals alone" would actually
be spent. "By staying the heck away from them,"
responded attorney Shystlicker, who also heads the
new foundation.
"I'm going to Bermuda, then Paris,
then Rome, then Singapore–wherever I won't
bother these delicate creatures."
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Hillary Learns To Drive A Big Rig!
Senator Clinton shifting gears to a new career.
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