Dr. STANFORD HARVARD LOOP,
M.D., PhD., I.V., SUV

 

Dear Dr. Loop,

My pain-in-the-neck husband snores very loudly at night, which makes it impossible for me to get a decent night's sleep. We fight constantly and he insists he doesn't snore. Finally, I decided to take matters into my own hands to shut him up.

After he's alseep, I tried putting a clothes pin on his nose. I stuffed cotton balls in his mouth. I even covered his face with a feather pillow. Once I dragged him to the closet and locked the door. But the snoring is so loud, none of this seems to help. I'm at wit's end. Either he stops the noise or I stop putting up with him. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Desperate

 

Dear Desperate,

What you described is a rare psychological condition called Munchausen's Insomnia By Proxy. But it is you that is suffering from the disease, not your husband. You have third stage insomnia but are unwilling to accept that it's your own problem, so you have transferred the medical blame to your husband.

Everyone breathes when they sleep, which causes a slight whistling noise or reverberation through the sinital-nasal-schnozoid orafice, known to laymen as the nose.

You also suffer from aural hypersensitivity, or reduced ear-wax syndrome. In other words, you're hearing things you shouldn't. I suggest a set of earplugs, covered by ear muffs. Then cover your head with a big stocking cap, pulled down tight over your ears. This should do the trick.

 

Dear Dr. Loop,

Strange things have been happening to me lately. For several days I was waking up in the morning and my nose would be bruised or my mouth would be dry. One day I woke up and found feathers in my mouth. Another time I woke up and found myself locked in the closet!

Then, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I woke up and found a burglar in my bedroom with a ski mask over his head. I knocked the guy out, wrapped him in a blanket and dragged his body out back into the alley. Then I went back inside and locked my door.

Since then, I've been sleeping better, though I haven't seen my wife in days. Any thoughts?

Signed,
Sleeping Better Now

 

Dear Sleeping,

A couple ideas have occurred to me, but sometimes it's best to simply leave well enough alone.

 

Dear Dr. Loop,
I work for a local goodwill charity and during my rounds last week I picked up a bundle I found in an alley. When I got it back to the store and unwrapped it, I found a woman. She had a bump on her head and can't remember her name or anything about her life.

She seems very appreciative of me. She goes on and on about what a quiet sleeper I am. I would like to marry her. Am I obligated to find out who she is and where she came from?

Signed,
Found Love In An Alley

 

Dear Found,

Sometimes it's best to simply leave well enough alone. Go ahead and marry her and don't ask questions.

 

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Dr. Loop, Wacky Times' highly regarded medical advisor, has recently been named Director of the PGPER, Physicians For Greater Profitabilty & Earlier Retirement. He recently gave a presentation to a convention of the AENTCS, the Association of Ear, Nose, Throat & Checkbook Specialists, where he discussed his book on addressing patients' medical needs: Their Problems--My Retirement. He's also the author of the best-selling physicians manual, Either You're Not Sick Enough Or I'm Not Charging Enough.