TOXIC SPILL IN CONGRESS:

Environmental activists accidentally spilled hundreds of gallons of nuclear waste onto the pant legs of congressional leaders earlier this week. During a meeting in which activist groups were demonstrating the harmful consequences of nuclear waste, they accidentally tipped over six barrels of waste fluid, soaking fifty-six senators and representatives with the highly radioactive material.

Before the congressmen realized the liquid was radioactive, several members were seen rolling up their sleeves and splashing the material onto themselves and jumping before the TV cameras for the photo opportunity. One aide explained their actions: "Some of these guys don't get much network coverage and they didn't want to miss this chance to impress the voters back home."

Not one piece of legislation was slowed by the accident. It turns out that no lawmaking activity was scheduled for the next eighteen weeks while opposing political factions planned filibusters on matters of health care reform, gun control, tax reform and term limits.

"There was enough toxic waste there to destroy half the planet," says one congressional publicist. "But it had no effect whatsoever on the productivity of our Congress. That says a lot about the strength and durability of our nation's leadership."

While no lawmaking was hindered, apparently millions of dollars were lost from missed campaign fundraising appointments. According to members' schedules, six hundred seventy-nine meetings with lobbyists and political action committees had to be canceled this week alone. Reportedly members Diane Feinstein and Tom DeLay lost contributions expected to exceed fifty million dollars.

"The mood around the beltway is somber," says one aide who asked to remain nameless. "But it was exciting for a little while. I haven't seen legislators glow like that since they voted their last raise."

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